THE THIRD LEVEL OF HELL….THE HIGHWAY

Tata Nano

     Observing the human race on the byways of our cities can often make you want to leave on the next NASA shuttle. People have a sense of protected domain while driving in their cars. Going down the road you can observe the husband who cocks his arm back with a threatening response during an argument with his wife. The Mom with a cigarette dangling from the corner of her mouth who takes a wild swat at her cowering five year old. The old man with his nose to the stirring wheel muttering to himself about the genocide of all drivers in their 20’s and 30’s. Then there's the guy who is attempting to insert his entire finger up his nose or the woman who is applying make up, drinking coffee, finding a radio station and auguring with her speaker phone.....all this while she drives with her knees....a future Olympic sport.

     The cop that conducts traffic as if it were an orchestra of ten year olds while he blows his whistle with ever increasing hostility. The cable guy who stops his van at a red-light and turns up his bag disguised can of beer. You become overwhelmed at the number of drivers that are text massaging around you at 40 and 50 MPH or the innocuous cell phone protruding from their head like some kind of bat sucking blood from their ear lobe.

     In all of this swirling school of auto’s there prowls the municipal cop cars like sharks rooting out the unwary for nourishing citations or a prolific bust. Ever watchful and prepared they slowly patrol until 10 am when at that time the fresh donuts come out.

     You observe a rotund cement truck in your rearview and you accommodate the road orca by moving over into the slow lane and allowing the rig to pass. In a rush of diesel waste and cinder dust, he passes you with a swoosh. You envy his might and power as he commands respect and room. Moments later an ambulance weaves through the traffic like an orange and white otter with it’s eyes flashing and voice wailing demanding all to move out of it’s way. It passes and your mind dwells for a moment of the life and death struggle going on inside the vehicle as it rushes against a life clock.

     Two motor cycles roar by in the pursuit of a lifestyle. These raptors of the asphalt causes one to grit and swear at their very existence. The road arrogance and strict caste system displayed by these loners tends to bring up fantasies of War Warrior. There are two classes of people who ride these terror bikes……The first are those who love the thrill and adventure of commanding great power between their legs. These are good and courteous bikers that still have car payments. The other class of bikers are those who worship Satan and suck drug dust up their noses each night before they ride out in a savage pack to pillage and rape helpless drivers of the roadway. I’ve heard about these things.

     As an experienced driver, you learn to endure all of the above mentioned motorist. But….there are two conveyances that strike fear, or at the very least a sense of dread. The first vehicle is the obscure Tata Nano. These machines are driven by individuals that have been recently deported from California or are currently under therapy because that believe themselves to be leprechauns. They drive in traffic like carnival bumper cars and when you make a lane change and fail to see their miniature profile, they beep their little tweety horns that sound like burning canaries.

     The next dreaded vehicle is the behemoth “school bus”. Nauseous baby poop yellow. Most of these road barges are driven by rehab graduates. They can snarl up traffic for ten minutes to let just one undersized delinquent with his over sized back pack tumble down the over elevated steps and splatter himself on the pavement! There is no driving around this production as the cop sharks are hiding in the azaleas hoping for a rampant violator.

     Finished with your errands, you finally arrive home just in time to greet the cable guy you saw at the red-light earlier.

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Comments (22)

  1. keepingitreal_13

    On my way to Windsor a week ago i was passed on the highway by someone driving a " Smart Car ". It looked like a golf cart with a roof and windows. A good strong wind would have taken care of it i’m afraid.
    I loved your comment about the " yellow baby pooped colored school bus ". When i retired i drove one for 5 years and not many could ever claim they never saw me coming. Yet two times in one day i got rear ended by people who claimed they never saw me in front of them.
    I’m glad they don’t allow " scooters " on the highways here as i’m afraid that many would find themselves in the ditch along the side of the highway.

    July 07, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      You need to be off ya rocker to ride a scooter around here.

      July 07, 2014
      1. keepingitreal_13

        As we both know some people seem to have a death wish Charlie.

        July 07, 2014
  2. Nightbane

    Makes boarding school attractive, no?

    July 07, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      A nice, (no car allowed) resort for a month at a time.

      July 07, 2014
      1. Nightbane

        I eant for all children of schola ge until they take their highest degrees and have reached aminimu age of fifty yers.

        July 07, 2014
        1. Nightbane

          oh,my typoing… if unclear, will correct.

          July 07, 2014
  3. GoldenPig2012

    I had no experience of “traffic” in the first 30 years of my lifetime, coming from a small town. Now, I live in an actual city and I hear you, friend, I hear you. I’ve seen just about everything and am astounded and frightened every time. I don’t consider my vehicle a “safe space”, quite the opposite, though my beloved seems to assume once he’s in his car, he’s invulnerable and own the freakin’ road. I’ve worn out the floorboard on the passenger side applying the “brake” I don’t have. I choose to stay home rather than wade into the maelstrom of drivers on I-35 around here. Pretty sure they think as my beloved does and THAT is more frightening than facing a personal assailant, in my opinion.

    July 07, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      A regulat ‘free-for-all’ out there. So much has changed over the years.

      July 07, 2014
      1. GoldenPig2012

        How the hell do you forget you’re driving a deadly weapon and text or chat or apply mascara or adjust your balls while maneuvering through 70mph traffic? I don’t get it, I never will and, God willing, I’ll live.

        July 07, 2014
  4. SEC

    I try very hard to schedule any departure from my driveway to avoid the twice daily stampedes of the yellow buffalo to and from the school down the road.

    July 07, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      You and me both!!!!

      July 07, 2014
      1. SEC

        LoL

        July 07, 2014
  5. tulakrystal

    Lol, I’d be afraid of that Leprechaun of a car too.

    July 07, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Turtle-mobile

      July 08, 2014
  6. TinkerHale

    You have just described what I go through (and I’m sure most of us do) when I’m running errands on Friday. What irks me most is the woman in front of me yakking away on her cell phone when the light is green and she gets through just in time before it turns red and I’m stuck waiting for the next green light! Texting teens is another road hazard as they retrieve their life or death text (literally) not paying attention to the road, other drivers or traffic lights. Driving is supposed to be just that, to Drive and only Drive to one’s destination and not conduct one’s social life along the way! Excellent post!

    July 07, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      ‘….life or death text….’, you are so right!

      July 08, 2014
      1. TinkerHale

        Sad but true…and sometimes, they’re lucky enough to walk away but others are not so lucky.

        July 08, 2014
  7. timholzbaur

    After twenty-five years of professional driving, I can so relate to this….

    July 08, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Amen brother.

      July 09, 2014
  8. Dream_On

    A car that you can fit into your pocket is a scary thing in this monster city. Yikes!

    July 09, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Like the big cars and dump trucks will eat em!!

      July 09, 2014