OK.....HERE’S THE SCENARIO
I’m coming out of the Post Office carrying two packages. One, I have already opened, and inside was an ancient ring. My new Egyptian friend, Fanuk, whom I had met on Facebook, had just sent it to me along with another package. Immediately I text my new friend about the ring and he tells me it is a magic transport ring, powerful enough to send me anywhere I wish to go, but, he tells me to open the other package immediately! Well, I’m enthralled and excited over the possibilities. The ring was enticing and would be a gateway to wondrous and mysterious places, and I’m obsessed with the possibilities! I am so drawn in by the supernatural sense of it, and the unbridled power, that I am too excited to remember the other package. I put the ring on and start to polish it against my corduroy jacket. Then I start to text my camel herding friend for instructions, as I wanted to go somewhere exciting, like England maybe, to visit all the famous castles and pubs. As I’m thumbing my question to Fanuk, I step off the curb and a mail truck ploughs into me and I die....sort of;
I wake in a smoky haze. I feel fine. Actually, I feel wonderful! I jump to my feet without having to roll over on my knees first, which is something I have not been able to do in years. I feel different, but at the same time normal. Then I figure it out. That different feeling is that I’m not feeling my arthritis, being out of breath and wanting to take a nap. I feel great. I look around, but, something’s not right. I’m not in the Post Office parking lot and hell, I don’t even see any cars! A few horses and maybe a couple of catapults is all. CATAPULTS!!! HOLY SHIT!!! A large dirty fellow in noisy armor with a big ass sword hollers at me and points towards the Post Office. I look around and notice that the Post Office looks like a castle now. I quickly look down for the other package Fanuk had sent me and start to panic....”Where’s my damn package?” I screamed. Then I find it tucked inside my breast plate. BREAST PLATE!? At that moment an arrow nips off a small tip of my ear and my brain recalibrates priorities and I fall to the ground. With all my heart ans soul, I was wishing I was with Fanuk at that moment so he could explain to me what to do.
Suddenly I’m yanked up by some guy named Norman and handed a heavy rusty sword almost as tall as me. I quickly join some other dudes who are running pass me, as I’m hoping this is the direction of a retreat. To my dismay, it’s the charge. I have a lumber size sword and figure ‘what the hell’, so I stay close to the middle of the horde and I yell when they yell. The castle is on fire and at the top of the battlements the defenders are tossing huge friggin rocks and dead guys down on the assaulting army. The noise is terrible. While I’m charging, I take note of my appearance. I’m wearing all sorts of leather garb and broken and rusted chain mail. My feet are bound in cloth and leather and on my head I’m wearing what looks like and smelled like a spittoon. I’m dirty, smelly, and damp. I reach under my helmet and feel. I’m still bald.
There is a great noise as I reach the wall. The draw bridge has been lowered with a shattering crash! Some fool on horseback is shouting, “Onward men, advance yol mass and take yon to slaughter!” Well, I’m hyped now, so I join in and stormed the now opened gate. Guys are grunting and dying all around me. I now realize that my obsession with a magician ring would be my downfall. I so wish I was with Fanuk right now in Cairo, so I could beat him to a pulp for sending me this ring. Then a rock hits me on the head and I die....sort of;
I’m slowly coming out of a mental fog now. I quickly scope out my surroundings and to my horror....I discover that I’m a fat eunuch in Queen Cleopatra’s palace in Egypt. I immediately look down and panic...."Where's my damn package?"