“Alright now, let me get this straight,” sighed the skinny detective, “you and your fiancé were taking an evening stroll through the park minding your own business, correct?”
“Yes sir,” whispered the disturbed man.
“And then, the two of you were suddenly attacked by a grizzly bear….correct?”
“Yes sir,” the man wailed.
“Sure it wasn’t a black bear, or Kodiak or even a polar bear?” asked one of the other officers with a refrained smile.
“All I know, was that it was a big friggin bear. It was sudden and then it was over.” The man sat on the park bench close to tears. “Before my poor Philistia even had a chance to scream, it was on her.”
“What did you do during the attack, “questioned the detective.
The area of the attack was covered in a gluey mess of blood and four percent body fat. There was a single Jimmy Choo pump, size 8, laying in the grass. Even bloody and covered in ants, it’s styling was exquisite. The detective took a moment to answer his cell phone and then returned to the victim. “You need to understand that your story is difficult to digress. The largest beast in this city park is a flabby squirrel named Snooks. The last time there was a known bear in this area was prior to the battle of Gettysburg and most likely the Yankees ate it.”
“I know what I saw, detective! It was a flippin bear! He killed my Philistia and would have killed me if not for the homeless guy that stumbled out of the bushes singing a Lady Gaga song and scared if off!”
The detective answered another call on his phone. “Well, it looks like you were right sir. There was a bear in the area. It seems that a Panda bear had been rescued from the Chinese embassy by a covert group of PETA agents and placed in one of their unmarked vans. What the fools didn’t know, was that the bear was rabid, and soon the beast turned the PETA agents into hotdog filler, and then escaped to the park. The bear was captured an hour ago by members of the State Department and returned to the Embassy.”
“What do I do now,” whimpered the distraught man.
“Go home and let us take it from here. We’ll be in touch tomorrow, and I‘m sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you, Detective.” The man slowly rose to leave when the detective stopped him.
“You’ll need to leave her head with us.”