Lusting Eyes......I feel like a piece of Kobe beef

 

 

 

 


      I’m tired of it. Totally caboodled and tired of it. What really yanks my nose hairs, is when I go to the grocery store and as soon as I get out of my car I start to get the “stares!” Hungry, wanting looks. Some women stare at me as if they just got off a prison bus. I feel like a piece of select tenderloin just waiting for some female to tenderize and stir-fry to ecstasy. I wish I knew how some of my macho-mates on thoughts handle it. I know Mike, Steve Hayes, Neighsayer, Tim, Toby, and the mysterious Hollowman all suffer the same public inquisition I must constantly endure of being visually stripped naked by so many lusting eyes. Eyes that follow my every movement with a perverted fixation on the gyration of my buttocks and the bulges of my nether region....I’m sickened to even discuss it.

     Then I have to shop and pray that I don’t have to bend over, else a dozen iPhones will instantly start clicking trophy pics of my manly butt cleavage!  The friggin humiliation of it all!! Then the long, agonizing wait as I stand in the checkout lane. Behind me I can hear the hoarse whispers of half a dozen panting breaths as they all compare their sick fantasies about me. Finally, I purchase my Depends and Bengay and leave this Sodom and Gomorra of retail and head to the sanctuary of my car. Eyes still follow me like lusting vultures.  Finally, on the road, I feel safe until I stop at a red-light and a she-person pulls up next to me. I avoid her stare as I know she is most likely licking her lips like an angry lizard and stretching her neck like an ostrich in heat! The light turns green and I’m gone! Moments later I pull into my driveway and once I’m sure the school teacher dominatrix next door is not peeking out her tinted window, I make a dash for my front door.

     I’m home and finally safe. Now, I go about doing retiree stuff until about 4 o’clock, when I start dinner. When it’s close to time for Wifey to come home from work, I sadly hang my head in submission and do one final thing. I coat my body with shimmer lotion, dab on extra cologne, wear a cowboy hat and then put on a CD with a lot of drum music. Then I sit and obediently wait for the moment she surges through the door in a state of moistened anticipation. It won’t be pretty....but, a man’s got to do....what a man’s got to do.

Charlie

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Comments (32)

  1. WalkinOnSunshine

    I feel sorry for the bevy of women you’ve left behind
    in the stores and in the street
    …but wifey is certainly coming home to a treat!

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Hoopa hoopa!

      October 13, 2014
  2. monicaspeaks

    Its a tough job being a beefcake but somebodies gotta do it.

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I hate the stress.

      October 13, 2014
  3. withwings

    Lol. providing me some entertainment while I’m anxious you’re wonderful

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Big hug at ya!

      October 13, 2014
  4. SEC

    What you’d deprive us of eye-cahdy?

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Think of me as a fine aged bottle of beer.

      October 13, 2014
      1. SEC

        Oh okay

        October 13, 2014
  5. cjb321

    Don’t hide that manliness!!! We LOVE it.

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      It’s a curse!!!

      October 13, 2014
  6. Neighsayer

    I KNOW, right? I mean, sure I spent a lot of money on that appliance and the fitting of it, without which I would have no butt-cleavage. And of course it hurts and has been shown to cause deformity in the long term, but that’s for my sweetie, not for all those other harpies! I mean, I don’t know why she makes me wear it when we’re not together, I guess she just likes to see me squirm . . .

    the things we do for love.

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I feel your pain……most likely.

      October 13, 2014
  7. Bettymom

    Shimmer lotion and a cowboy hat? Jeez, Charlie, let up, I’m a married woman!

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I lost my head.

      October 13, 2014
  8. TinkerHale

    LMAO! Mercy, please! You brought tears to my eyes! I’m still laughing! I do know what you mean though…My husband always laughs at me when I tell him about all these old men who waggle their caterpillar eyebrows at me like I’m some sort of dessert! Then my daughter pipes up, “But Mom, you ARE an old lady!” Oh, the sights one sees at Wal-Mart. Big busted women wearing low top shirts where if they bend over, they’ll be totally exposed. Or young girls wearing white shorts and a black thong. People have truly lost their common sense!

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Reminds me so much of the Twilight Zone series from long ago.

      October 13, 2014
      1. TinkerHale

        ROFLMAO…Yes, scary, isn’t it??

        October 13, 2014
  9. pastormike

    well.. they’re in their 80’s and I can outrun ‘em. I don’t feel like a piece of beef.. I just feel like a piece. for all the good it does me..

    October 12, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I’m more like out of date liver.

      October 13, 2014
      1. pastormike

        that’s an image I’ll have a little trouble getting outa my head…

        October 13, 2014
  10. EyeVey

    Sigh…that was you?
    Who knew?!

    October 13, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      No….but if I can figure out how to do a selfie, I’ll send you one.

      October 13, 2014
      1. pastormike

        might wanna rephrase that “take a selfie.” “do a selfie” has unfortunate connotations…

        October 13, 2014
        1. uncle_charlie

          oops…..!

          October 13, 2014
          1. This comment has been deleted
  11. Phat

    I know how you feel Charlie, I really do ……

    October 13, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      We share each others pain….fer sur.

      October 13, 2014
  12. sweetpaws

    near as I can tell most woman are to shy to sidle up to you and hand you some lubercant and ask if you want some axle crease, just for those moments of pleasure so your hindges do not squeak. Go figure I would have done it in a heart beat. Yet I am fiesty for 61

    October 13, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      The good times only pass us once.

      October 13, 2014
      1. sweetpaws

        for sure then we miss out

        October 13, 2014
  13. uncle_charlie

    It is what it is….ya know what I mean?

    October 13, 2014