I’m like a fine wine….with a bad cork

Old Fart Art

     First off, don’t get me wrong, life is really good....but, sometimes, life can suck worst than a one pound lemon. I’m starting to get wrinkles all over my body now, and the only smooth skin I have left is the top of my bald head and the bulbous moons of my butt. My favorite recliner is starting to groan when I sit down and I can hear the snap and pop of washers and little bolts as the chair gives way from metal fatigue. When I shave, on those rare occasions, it seems that there’s more to shave now as my sagging neck flab looks more like that of a Humpback whale when it gorges it’s gullet on sea krill. My wardrobe looks like the stuff they heap on the half price table at the Goodwill store and most of my shoe styles can be found on auction under E-Bay collectables.

     I use a cane when I take walks now, but only to defend myself from vultures, hungry coyotes and teens. And as I stumble along, I can hear people make their whispered comments as I walk by, like....“Bless his heart, still walking at his age,” or “Don’t make any noise to spook him, else he might drop dead in front of our house!” Yea, stuff like that. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy life and look forward to many more months of it....it’s just that most people, now a days, have limited space in their lives for those creeping up on 70. The closest I’ll ever come to dancing with some young lady, at my age, is only if I sit down and stick a twenty into her thong. Having a conversation with people is also difficult, even the folks at the Wal-Mart customer service desk duck behind the counter when they see me coming. Sure, I got a tendency to babble on and usually after I’ve recapped my life up to the Reagan years, they have either dozed off or snuck off. It’s all demoralizing. When I go to see my doctor, he feels around to see if I’m turning cold yet or he smells to see if I’m getting rancid, then prescribes more medication and then charges me $300 for still being alive. I already know the Walgreen’s pharmacist by name and even send him a Christmas card each year and he in return gives me coupons for stool softeners and enemas. We have a bond of sorts.

     Wifey fusses at me all the time for what I eat or how I wear my clothes or for dropping the “F” bomb when a Jehovah's Witness comes to the door. But I know she cares. Once in awhile she will wear a sexy Hawaiian muu muu in the evening to get my furnace kindled, but, by bedtime, I’m not really in a tropical mood and sleep is more exciting to me than some erotic luau on the Sealy Posturepedic beach. Sadder still, she’s usually snoring before me. Like I said before, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to still be alive with all my wit and most of my memory still in tack. Sad though, I understand Elvis died....didn’t even know the man was sick!

                                                                                                                Charlie

 

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Comments (31)

  1. tiggers

    Great blog uncle charlie

    April 16, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Thank ya Tig.

      April 16, 2014
      1. tiggers

        Always welcome

        April 16, 2014
  2. Waasyon

    You always make me smile Uncle C,

    April 16, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      As always, my pleasure.

      April 16, 2014
  3. funfreak

    An erotic luau on the Sealy Posturepedic beach. That made me chuckle. Although, if those bed springs could really talk………..!!!

    April 16, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      THEY WOULD SCREAM!!!

      April 16, 2014
  4. cabinfever

    Here in Nevada, they have the Memphis House retirement home for Elvis impersonators. “Whole lot of shaking going on!”

    April 16, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Bunch of teddy bears.

      April 16, 2014
  5. Neighsayer

    just cause you haven’t seen your butt – but let’s keep that dream alive!

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Very wise thought….; }

      April 17, 2014
      1. Neighsayer

        don’t play me with, I’m not born tomorrow, you know . . .

        April 17, 2014
  6. dincali

    i love the end about elvis….bahhahaha

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Shocker…ain’t it?

      April 17, 2014
      1. dincali

        lol…just saw him on t.v. today..hehe

        April 17, 2014
  7. Dream_On

    Paul McCartney will be 72 in June and he’s still a rockin and rollin’ You got it going UC!

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      ………..thank ya….thank ya very much….

      April 17, 2014
  8. cjb321

    You are younger at heart than most of the so called younger generation. They will never know the fun that the older generation had…or have the good memories either. smiles and hugs

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      You just made an enlightened statement. We knew how to be young, but today, a lot of kids are just lost to the joys of youth.

      April 17, 2014
  9. sweetpaws

    I am sneaking up there with you Charlie.. Not to worry 70 is the new 50 and we have many more years to get those Wal-Mart young ins to understand the world

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I’ll most likely be the old fart greeting them at the Walmart entrance.

      April 17, 2014
  10. greunie

    “Old age is not for sissies.” Didn’t anyone tell you?

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Too many vindictive people kept it a secret from me until it was too late.

      April 17, 2014
  11. GoldenPig2012

    I hear you, I’m an awesome cheese whose outside mold frightens people.

    April 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Ooooh, but at the right temperature…..taste so good….; }

      April 17, 2014
      1. GoldenPig2012

        No doubt about that, friend. Unfortunately, so many see the, um, disintegration of the outside and totally discount the inside. Idiots.

        April 18, 2014
  12. timholzbaur

    Once again, great stuff.

    April 18, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Thank ya Tim.

      April 18, 2014
      1. timholzbaur

        Welcome!

        April 18, 2014
  13. BootLady

    In my best Joe Cocker impression (raspy and so far off key it could be mistaken for almost anything)….“You are so beautiful, to meeeeeeeeeeeeee…..”

    April 19, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      In my best conservative ‘Tonto’ voice…."You hit on me kemosabi?

      April 20, 2014