I Hate Friggin Airports.........But Like Beer

 

 

 

     Not long ago, I was obligated to drive to Tampa and retrieve my younger brother at the big ass coliseum of an airport in Tampa. Bro was down visiting me from Georgia because we‘re brothers and one of the regulations in life is that you have to visit your sibling throughout your lifetime, or until one of you goes senile or liberal, then it won’t make any different anyway. I don’t like airports, don’t go to them and usually don’t even like to blog about them. That said, I continue....

     I had rather get a full body massage in a biker bar than go to any airport. You see, I hate the ritual of going through security and getting my body ravished by an under paid, 250 pound Puerto Rican woman with thick glasses. As a rule, I have always enjoyed playing ‘find the salami’, but, at least there was some kissing evolved. At the terminal it’s more like ‘find the bomb’, no kissing involved. Not that these folks would recognize one even with a lit fuse!

     Anyway, I started my ordeal by parking my car in Lot ‘Green-22-level 3'. On my walk from my car to the terminal, I had enough time to compose a six movement symphony in my head and then review all 180 episodes of Seinfeld. When I finally reached the termina, in the next county, I was willing to pay the five dollars for a beer at the preflight courage lounge inside. Then I started my mile long trek down the corridor of hell until I finally reached the security violators. I squeezed my 300+ pound carcass through their ‘Zircon Molecular Ray Booth’ and then, as soon as my bone screws set off the 'INVADER ALERT BUZZER', they directed me to a holding area where Gabriela awaited with her electronic prodder. Taking into account my size, it took a while....my ass alone required three passes of the device. I removed my well worn Dockers and they were hurriedly searched for napalm. Old Dockers tend to emit vaporous years of foot fatigue and rubber gloves are not a guarantee from flipper fungus.

     I was told to raise my arms in the event I may have hand grenades hidden under my arm pits. As Gabriela smacked on her worn out chewing gum, I knew she was staying alert to the fact that she may have to take me down at any moment and at least that possibility was a turn on for me! Once she had given me the once over and declared me IED safe, I was then free to put on my fondled Dockers and continue my journey to gate #44, another three miles away! I rode for a few blocks on a moving sidewalk that groaned and whinned under my weight like a dogpound puppy. It also gave me motion sickness. Then, along with a gyrating school of tourist sardines, I poured into a mini transit train that propelled us closer to our gate destinations like a high velocity speeding bullet.

     After I jumped off the Kamikaze express, I ran into a McDonalds, (yes, in the airport!) to use their restroom to throw up. Ungirgitated....I continued to walk. I then passed gate #40, I was almost to my destination. Unfortunately, gate #42 had just unloaded a Delta 747 from Cancun. The sunburned and hung-over passengers passed me like a herd of bewildered survivors. I stood against the corridor wall and allowed them all to pass with their bundles of souvenirs, sombreros and AK47’s with Welcome To Mexico, carved on the stocks.

     I finally reached gate #44 only to see the overhead monitor showing my brother’s flight was 30 minutes late, (that’s 90 minutes in real time). I turned and headed to Ruby Tuesdays, (yes, in the airport!), for another beer or two or whatever, I don’t remember now. Later, only by luck, I saw my brother staggering pass the restaurant and I ran out to meet him. He had already consumed a few mini bottles of flight courage. I embraced him and then took him back into the establishment to down a few. We then wandered around this human fishbowl looking for the hidden exits when we stopped at Pizza Hut for pint and a bread stick. In time, we finally found a way out and then proceeded to the wasteland known as temporary parking. As we sought out my car on the green level, we had to stop twice to take a whiz. Once on the tires of a Fiat, and then on the license plate of a BMW from the District of Columbia. Both accounts brought back fond and pleasant memories of our youth and Dad's car. Finally, after locating my car, I paid the parking ransom and then drove us to Hooters for a pitcher of beer and a pile of wings. Later, after a few pitchers, or whatever....we got back into my car and I swerved us home. As soon as we staggered in, we kicked back with a couple of brews and started to debate about immigration and extraterrestrials. All of a sudden, my brother bolted upright like something was gnawing out his sphincter and shouted.......“My friggin suitcase!!”

 




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Comments (28)

  1. cabinfever

    If you hurry…you can still make happy hour at Ruby Tuesdays.

    April 25, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I know all the happy hours and appetizer menus within thirty miles of here!

      April 25, 2014
  2. Eyes-of-a-lighthouse

    Was there a repeat the next morning,you know,reverse mode. You just never stop do you? Good,don’t!!! You bring such joy,laughter,smiles and potty runs to so many of us and I Thank you for that. You are such a joy to read and I know you’ve got to be non stop in the real world. Have a wonderful weekend and God bless you and yours in all ways…always.. s s s

    April 25, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Thank you dear friend.

      April 25, 2014
      1. Eyes-of-a-lighthouse

        You are always Welcome sweet Charlie,my dear friend.

        April 25, 2014
  3. gypsy_dragon

    hahaha I think I was laughing through this whole thing!! I have family members who must have read this as a life plan because they have sooo lived this lol

    April 25, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Ain’t it the truth!

      April 25, 2014
      1. gypsy_dragon

        =)

        April 26, 2014
  4. cjb321

    This was great. I soo agree!!! I also HATE airports….practically had to RUN through O’Hare in Chicago with hubby from one ding-dong end of the place to the other. Husband has heart problems. Couldn’t get help. We MADE it…just barely. NEVER AGAIN will I go through Chicago though.

    April 25, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I’ve heard a lot about O"Hare from people I once worked with….all bad.

      April 25, 2014
    2. pastormike

      yup. they didn’t have a promised wheelchair for Teri and a call for a car never turned one up.. she had to almost run on bad knees till I saw an empty wheelchair an grabbed it. she hurt all through or trip to NO.. never ever again.

      April 26, 2014
  5. keepingitreal_13

    Remind me not to go to Mexico anytime soon.

    April 25, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Stay home and barbeque.

      April 25, 2014
  6. greunie

    Charlie, the man with a thousand stories. You are the epitome of human’s excellence in story telling. Every serving entertaining with a side of chuckle.

    April 25, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Just wish it was safe to write about my….abductions, if you know what I mean..; }

      April 25, 2014
      1. greunie

        I think it would add another dimension to your already wonderful character… but I agree, it is not safe.

        April 25, 2014
  7. pastormike

    at least you got out. some guys are in here three days and wind up maxing out their credit card.. no not me… ye…

    April 26, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Fer sure bro.

      April 26, 2014
  8. Dream_On

    Never go through DIA, it’s everyone’s nightmare….unless they are having a flash mob, it distracts the TSA agents.

    April 26, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Very wise in deed.

      April 26, 2014
  9. newmanshade

    Very well written. I continue in my fandom! You, sir, are an inspiration to aspiring writers.

    April 27, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Thank you for this prized comment….Charlie

      April 27, 2014
  10. papabear

    hahaha haha sounds like my stop in germany minus the copious libations sober it was really really bad drunk it I would still be there our cases got to the uk 2days before we did !!!

    April 27, 2014
  11. GoldenPig2012

    I don’t go, I refuse and no one can make me, period. Take a taxi, I’ll send someone more patient than I, whatever it takes, I won’t go. I can get drunk and eat better wings right here at home.

    April 27, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Amen to that my good friend.

      April 27, 2014
  12. Honest_Abe

    Perfect!!

    April 28, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Thank ya.

      April 28, 2014
  13. dreamshadow59

    This was HILARIOUS UC…

    May 23, 2014