Getting Old




      Listen’s not easy getting old. The joints now stiffen up as well as the colon. Everything in old men tends to stiffen up with the exception of his down spout. Your feelings now get hurt too easily, but, most times you forget why. Your old time friends are now into the bad habit of dropping dead, but, oddly, not the in-laws. The dog hates you cause you now eat the scrapes for lunch, that he used to get for snacks. Some days I feel like a vulture just snatched me up and then dropped me in a rock quarry full of horny walruses. But, other days, I feel like a raging stallion....according to what drugs I’ve taken before breakfast. Wifey still tells me I’m vivacious, but that's according to what drugs she's taken before breakfast. All the things I wanted to do when I retired are now down to simply watching TV and taking naps. You can tell when someone needs to really get out when they start to get excited over a new jig saw puzzle.
     Going to the grocery store at my age is like going to a petting zoo for wolverines. Everybody is rude and discourteous and they all get upset when you cuss or fart too loud. I don’t go to funerals or weddings anymore either, because most times I can’t really tell the difference. Seems everybody cries, there’s a lot of overpriced flowers and I always wear the same suit. The grandkids are always warned that I lie a lot, but to me, after so many years, it all sounds like the truth now……except the thing about being abducted by aliens....I think.
     Anyways, life is still good and I do enjoy retirement and jig saw puzzles and scrap sandwiches for lunch. I’ve worked long and hard to get to this point in my life and plan to enjoy every single 'minute' of it until the aliens return.


                                                                           Old Charlie

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Comments (6)

  1. fierylady

    And you SHOULD enjoy every minute, you’re darn well ENTITLED to them.

    August 31, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Well thank you by cracky!

      August 31, 2014
    2. uncle_charlie

      And a few extra naps thrown in to boot.

      September 02, 2014
  2. timholzbaur

    Love your posts Charlie. Getting older myself, my feet hurt 99% of the time, my bowels get cranky if I eat too much cheese, and I actually expect to find gold at the end of the rainbow on the lucky charms box. I can’t wait for retirement so my feet won’t hurt so much from work, and I’ll be able to chase that damned leprechaun a little faster.

    August 31, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Now I’m glad you have a plan. I’m still looking for half the channels on cable.

      August 31, 2014
      1. timholzbaur

        Don’t worry about the cable channels. 175 channels, and still so little to watch.

        August 31, 2014