Chicken with WTF chili sauce!!!!!

Tooooo Hot!!!!!

 

    I don’t really care much for Mexican food unless it comes in a taco shell with extra sour cream. Just never have cared for it. Wifey, on the other hand, is adventurous when it comes to international cuisine, plus she had a coupon for one free entree at Miguel’s Hacienda Cafe. So, she made me change my shirt and dragged me out last night to the place and told me to enjoy myself or else. When we got to the joint, I noticed the walls of the small restaurant were decorated with hanging sombreros, dusty ponchos and there was a huge bull head nailed on the wall behind the cashier….really?

     On our table was a small plastic cactus in a plastic pot and several bottles of polluted sauces surrounded the cactus. I took a look at all the Hispanic help scurrying around like they were anticipating a raid at any moment. A waiter came up to our table and handed us two menus fresh out of the copy machine in the kitchen. I ordered a two dollar beer and Wifey got herself a seven dollar margarita……with salt. We studied the various offerings and both came to the conclusion that we had never heard of any of it! No tacos here. The waiter, in Spanglish, recommended something with beef, or maybe it was burro, mixed with a spicy vegetable sauce. Then he waited for me to say, “Sure, excellent choice,” but I confused him when I asked for the Blue Plate Special. He stared at me like I was the memory of some fart he had the day before and then said all the plates were the same color and that they had no specials. I continued to scan the menu looking for familiar words until finally I pointed at something called Pollo Roulade. Seems it was a chunk of chicken breast pounded flat as a pancake, then over seasoned, stuffed with a mixture of cheeses, spinach and a load of Habanero peppers, and finally wrapped up in bacon and cooked in a skillet by some woman named Rosita. Then, when it was done enough to kill the bacteria, a generous amount of Habanero sauce with lemon was poured over the whole thing. On the Scoville scale, which measures the intensity of pepper damage, this meal rated somewhere between five million units and oblivion.

     Twenty minutes after we ordered, our waiter fandangoed back to our table with our meal. It’s difficult to describe the appearance, other than to say it was mostly ladled on. I bibbed up and took my first bite. If…..I had been sitting bare-ass on the pavement outside, and had taken my first bite of this Pollo Roulade…..I could have drag raced on my hiney-cheeks from zero to wet your paints in four seconds flat!! I thought I had consumed molten lava!! Anyway, about five minutes into the meal, my lips felt like goat fur on fire and I was having trouble remembering my name! Ten minutes into the meal, I couldn’t remember how to call 911. Half the meal and four beers were all I could handle. On the way home, I could hear sounds emanating from my stomach that sounded a lot like a very large hose sucking sludge from a septic tank. After we got home, it hit me. It felt like something angry was trying to claw it’s way through my guts and out my butt! My innards were in a turmoil for the rest of the night. Wifey was fine and kept a spray can of orchid scented Febreze next to her during my ordeal. Considering what I went through….it’s no mystery why the Mexicans are pole-vaulting the fence in an attempt to escape their national cuisine. I just can’t believe what we’re willing to subject our intestinal tract to. When I was in the military and served in Asia, I thought I had tasted and ingested just about every multi-celled organism known to be consumed by humans and Great White sharks. Now, even the mention of Taco Bell can send me scurrying to the el bano!

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Comments (23)

  1. keepingitreal_13

    LOL LOL you suffered a attack of the " flaming hoop ". In my younger days i used to test myself to eating hot stuff. Often i was successful in getting it down my throat and into my tummy but later on my asshole would send me a message that it was on fire and in need of water and lots of it. Those days are long gone but the memories linger on to this day. I think certain foods should come with labels like " Recommended only for Fire Eaters ".
    To this day i get rather nervous when i go into a restaurant as see a fire extinguisher on my table.

    July 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      I’m totally amazed at what some guys are capable of eating….and liking it super hot!

      July 17, 2014
      1. keepingitreal_13

        Cast iron belly i guess Charlie.

        July 17, 2014
  2. GoldenPig2012

    I found your experience hilarious. But, I live in texas with all sorts of restaurants, food trucks and strange holes in the wall offering Mexican food, which I love. Hell, yeah, sometimes it hurts, but, mostly, before the pain, it’s DELICIOUS. Every time I’ve been pregnant, I’ve CRAVED this food, results of it be damned! Guess that’s why they’re tough enough to make the journey, illegally, here. Hell, if it doesn’t set you off, you need a doctor.

    July 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Makes my guts feel like a fire bomb went off.

      July 17, 2014
      1. GoldenPig2012

        Then it must be delicious!

        July 18, 2014
  3. WalkinOnSunshine

    LMAO!!! Omg this is hilarious!! I can relate though. My innards can’t take “hot stuff” like it used to. I love jalapeno peppers but I get the reflux of death so bad , I wish for death than the misery I’m going through. Mild stuff for me only these days!

    July 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Love that wonderful taste…moments before it ignites, then forget it.

      July 17, 2014
      1. WalkinOnSunshine

        I think I ate too much strong and peppered foods growing up and now I’m suffering the consequences. I usually pop me a Prevecid and I’m good to go…if I remember. Those hot buffalo wings make even my teeth feel like they on fire!

        July 17, 2014
  4. SEC

    Sometimes you bite the food and sometimes it bites back!

    July 17, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      In my case it gnaws.

      July 17, 2014
  5. Neighsayer

    “Overseasoned,” LOL. Like anything can be.

    July 18, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Fer sur…

      July 18, 2014
  6. Neighsayer

    Are you serious about the habaneros? Did you not know what they are? I must repeat:

    LOL.

    July 18, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Raised on collard greens and pintos with a side of catfish. Never have been into hot sauces except maybe BBQ

      July 18, 2014
  7. Neighsayer

    For me, I only ever notice chile in the mouth, or on the skin. Once it’s down my throat, it doesn’t seem to bother me – and I got acid reflux too. I mean I can get the flaming hoop – that irritating itch about an inch up – but between the mouth and the exit, that stuff doesn’t bother me.

    .

    Having said that, if that meal really was what you described, I’m sure it would be too much for my mouth.

    July 18, 2014
  8. monicaspeaks

    we ate at a Mexican place over the weekend while out of state visiting family…I saw that same dish on the menu but since no one at the table knew exactly what it was we decided to play it safe…

    July 18, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      Wise lady…..

      July 18, 2014
  9. TinkerHale

    Oh my goodness! I know this isn’t funny but I can’t stop laughing!! I may end up tinkling in my pants if I don’t stop laughing soon! I just had a conversation about spices with my daughter just the other day, and Mexican spices just plain burn! I like flavor not volcanic heat…I’ll stick to my Italian food, it’s safer.

    July 19, 2014
    1. uncle_charlie

      The Italians knew how to balance spices for sure.

      July 19, 2014
      1. TinkerHale

        According to my late Dad, the Italians had the best of everything…Don’t think he was biased do you?

        July 20, 2014
  10. timholzbaur

    Can’t stop laughing. Sorry for your post meal effects, but mexican food will do that. Aye carrumba.

    July 20, 2014